New Month, New Blog

It's been too long since I've written on this, thats for sure.

Updates:

I'm reading Julie & Julia by Julie Powell and I'm about halfway. I love the book except I get stuck on some of the French words that I can't much pronounce.

I'm working on trying to accept high heels into my life. I'm 5'1 and I need them. This is no longer a want, it is a need. They hurt but damn they look good!

I gave up on the diet.. months ago! I'd rather be happy and healthy

Still working at the Pentagon - still not loving DC

I've decided to move to Lynchburg. My lease on the townhouse isn't up until June of 2010, so this isn't stone sketched but it's the plan. Dave and I decided together that this is our best option for the next move in our relationship.

Also, I'm saddened deeply because my parents are moving back to West Virginia. I've never been further than a 20 minute drive away from my parents and although, I'm almost 30, I think I'm heartbroken.

Charlie has a birthday coming up. My baby dog will be 2 years old on October 26th.
I feel like a proud parent, if you can feel that way with a dog.

So, here is to October 1st - new month, new journeys, new outlook to life

It's been forever, I know

I rarely have time to write on the blog anymore.. I went on a vacation, got sick and now I'm slammed at work.

I'm doing good. I was sick last week with a head cold which sucked!

I finally went on a vacation with Dave. We spent 7 days together. (We are long distance, so we aren't used to seeing a lot of each other). Really, I thought we did great together. A little bit of arguing towards the end of the week, but I was getting sick so I was grumpy. We went to Myrtle Beach and it was fun. The highlight of the trip was when the Hard Rock Cafe caught on fire and evacuated people while we were standing in line to be seated. Literally.. a fire. Smoke was pouring from the inside and people were running out.
The cause was a gigantic thunderstorm with lighting striking like a hurricane. It was cool.. but it wasn't for us, so we left and found a hole in the wall Mexican place that had cheap margaritas (16 oz ) and really good food. It was probably the best night I had with Dave.. it was very romantic casual.

So, Saturday morning I woke up with a sore throat.. suffered through it and played some mini golf and laid in the sun.. kind of a relaxing last day at the beach. Saturday night I slept the worst I've ever slept. Even Dave was annoyed that I tossed and turned so much. Sunday I woke up incredibly fluish and I was sick for a week after that. SUCKS!

I'm better now.

I've been incredibly stressed at work. People leaving (yay) and new people coming in.

I'm still on my anxiety meds and I'm feeling great. I've even lost some weight.. woo hoo

I started weight watchers online again. This time I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm not really obsessed about it like I was before. I didn't run to the store and only buy salad. I'm being realistic this time.. and so far so good. I've lost 4 lbs. I'm pretty excited. My goal is to get under 140 by Aug 30 (1 month)
We'll see.. my motivation is good.. so I'm hoping for a good outcome.

Lets see.. Charlie is good. Can you believe he is almost 2. He's starting to calm down.. he actually lets me pet him at night! He's so adorable. He likes to eat my hair while I'm sitting on the couch.. I'm not sure exactly what that is about, but I'm thinking its his nurturing. He wants to take care of mama after a long hard day at work. (he also licks my feet).. He's like the husband I never had. LOL!!!

Really though.. things are just chuggin along :)

Uncle Sam is mad.. no one will go to war!!!

Virginia Beach.. wow, where to begin

Went to Virginia Beach for the weekend with my sister (who is 23)
I'm just going to run through the highlights of my weekend!

Arrived Friday around 11:30.
Tent was up by 11:50 (shocking, not sure how we did it that quick).
We were out on the beach by 12:30 and laid out until about 3.
Got back and went swimming. Friday was the most beautiful day I've ever seen at the beach. We were actually praying for clouds.. our prayers were never answered.

4:30 we decide to start drinking and grill some burgers.
Note: We bought the coolest grill ever! It is literally a frying pan with legs. It was 6 bucks at walmart and it even included its own little bag of charcoal. So we set it up, grabbed some ice and got to drinking.

6:00 rolls around and somehow we were both tipsy and decide it is time to take a shower. Holy shit, there is only 1 shower. My sister and I both go in and I jump in the shower first. (the floor is nasty and the line is forever long.. it was definitely not cool) but we were drunk so whatever. Well, halfway through the shower, my (drunk sister) decides she is tired of waiting and just hops right on in. I look at her (at her face I was afraid to look down) and say.. WTF are you doing? She said.. look, just turn around and shower.. I'm not waiting.. the line is long so just shut up. So, yeah.. we ended up showering together. The thought going through my mind was this though........... "the entire campsite thinks we are lesbians" LOL. It was interesting and totally weird and I will never do that again. Not with my baby sister.. too weird.

So.. 7:00 we are finally out of the weirdest shower I've ever taken and we are back at the site drinking. We find this really awesome watermelon drink in the cooler (by the way.. the cooler was already stocked with beer from my sister having a party last weekend while I was out of town).. so we find this watermelon drink... it's 20% alcohol content and it was YUMMY! However, it was BAD!

9:30 it is time to go out.. I'm already very drunk and should probably not go to Virginia Beach.. but hell with it.

9:40.. I see the "moon bounce" that our camp has set up and it totally looks like the funnest thing.. I want to jump on it.. so I go running to jump on it and it is kind of deflated.. as I'm walking slowly across this gigantic bouncy thing.. I all of the sudden get this huge burst of bounce and I turn around thinking it is my sister.. but low and behold.. it is about 10 mexican kids rushing me! I'm flying everywhere, I can't get off the bouncing thing and my sister is over on the ground laughing so hard she is crying.

10:00 - that was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I'm not doing that again!

10:30 - we finally make it downtown.. not sure "exactly" what is going on.. but we keep drinking. My sister talked to a cute little guy who kept saying he was running a marathon and that he couldn't drink (his tab was 70 bucks.. I do remember that.. so someone was drinking)!

11:30 - we sneak out because we are tired of listening to dude talk about the marathon. We tell him we are going to the bathroom and we run (literally, we were running out of the bar). We started walking down the boardwalk and realize neither of us can see straight.. so we just started taking pictures. I have so many pictures of us and fake fish .. ? not sure where they came from. There is even 1 picture of my sister and I riding fake turtles. Hmm.. damn Watermelon shit!

12:30 - Man we are hungry.. OMG there is a Roma's open... we have GOT to get some food. We go in.. I can't see the menu but my sister knows what she wants.. we get a gigantic stromboli and bacon cheese fries. As we are waiting on our food.. we get hit on by 2 of the nastiest scariest creepers ever! The one hitting on me told me he liked my shirt.. he definitely wasn't looking at my shirt. He looked like a old fat cracked out carrot top. He is the kind of guy who would give me nightmares. I refused to tell him where we were staying.. so he pitched a fit and he and his friend left. Luckily! Then.. the "owner" or so he proposed.. starting hitting on us also. (I guess we were hot.. dont know).. he kept telling us how he owned all these restaurants and he was only 28 blah blah blah. We got our food and left and definitely did not pay the bill. YES.. we STOLE the food.. on purpose too. We ran screaming.. We are stealing the food.. LOL!!! I say he deserved it for paying more attention to us than our food! WE get home and eat and pass out.

Day 2: Happy 4th

I wake up around 7:30 to some loud ass shit going on in the camp site. Laughing and hammering and cooking.. and I was SOOO hungover. I head on to the bathroom because I'm about to shit my guts out.. (you know, the beer) and OMG there are like 50 people in the bathroom.. OMG what am I going to do.. people are in there brushing teeth, washing faces etc.
I had to go anyways. Let me just say.. I'm not one to fart in public. NEVER!!! I sat down and seriously.. I sounded like an old lady in there. (you know what I'm talking aobut).. I'm not going to get detailed.. but lets just say.. I felt REALLY bad for the people brushing teeth. (I brushed my teeth at my campsite with a bottle of water after that).. it was BAD and so humiliating. I had to do the walk of shame out of the bathroom! :(

Anyhow.. we decided to skip the beach and just hang out at the pool all day. Bad idea.. I guess water washes off sunblock. I got burnt up!

Well, while we were there.. we got hit on (which always makes you feel good) but the guys were 20. They invited us back to the campsite to drink some beer with them, but we decided it was not a good idea.

Shower number 2 - this time we were not drunk so we definitely did not shower together. HOwever, the line was long.. so we decided to shower in the men's bathroom. We paid the price for breaking the rules - the shower was ice cold and the toilet was so nasty I wanted to vomit. I literally took a 30 minute shower! There wasn't any warm water AT ALL! So.. in and out we go.. but I was so burnt that the cold actually felt good.

Time to grill! We get the coals a burning and we decide we want to roast marshmellows.. so my sister goes to the woods to get some sticks. I turn around and she is sprinting as fast as she can with horror on her face. She saw a snake and freaked out.. I guess when she bent down to pick up the stick.. the snake was right there and it started slithering away and she saw it and flipped out. My sister is not scared of anything .. (but snakes obviously).. I laughed until I almost peed.

We decided it was time to start drinking again. The beer did not go down as well this time because I was still hungover. I pushed on though!!! my sister and I drank and sang and took about 50 pictures of each other. LOL. Well, finally its dark.. I gotta pee so I go behind the tent. I'm in a dress.. so I figured it would be easy.
Note: When squatting and peeing in the woods, do not pull the underwear to the side... you must take them completely down - I ended up peeing all over myself .. I sat them outside of the tent because no way was I going to put them on the inside.. YUK.. so I changed and we laughed.. and somehow ended up drunk AGAIN! This time we left early and went downtown though.. We got on the trolly and low and behold.. we see those 20 year olds that hit on us earlier sucking face with these girls. LOL! Nice..
So we go and watch the fireworks. VA beach was the most crowded I've ever seen it.. I mean, seriously 500,000 people or so just crammed on the beach for 15 minutes worth of fireworks. We go .. we get some drinks and we watch the fireworks. We take pictures with this balloon making uncle sam.. he was not happy. (I'll post pictures soon).. but it was funny. We talked to some locals and chilled out but we went home around 12:30. Decided to cook out.. lost some hot dogs around the way and passed out. Woke up the next day and realized my underwear were still outside of the tent and the hot dogs I had lost were inside of the miniature tent. SO hungover I thought I could die!

Sat in traffic for 6 hours. It was not cool.. but the trip was so worth it!!!

Women are so Dramatic

The women I work with hate me.

?

Feeling Good

I've been on my meds now for 2 weeks and I have to say.. I feel really great.

I noticed that not only did my mood improve, but I've noticed a lot of physical problems that have disappeared.

I'm sleeping much better at night. I've gotten rid of my headaches and backaches and neck pains. I have more energy (except for in the mornings.. I'll never have energy in the mornings)

Really though, I was told I wouldn't really even notice the different. Maybe it's all in my head? LOL (literally)!!!

Drs appointment

I went to the Dr. on Tuesday for my anxiety / stress.

I got my blood taken - which I HATE to do. They tested my thyroid and that came back normal.
The dr put me on Celexa which is an antidepressent. I'm also sick so he put me on Allegra.

I didn't think that the Celexa was supposed to work right away because I was told it could take 2 - 3 weeks and then I still probably wouldn't feel a difference.

I already feel a difference.

I maybe don't so much mentally, but I must have had a lot of physical symptoms associated with stress.

I dont have headaches or pain behind my eyes, my hands aren't sweaty, I sleep at night and I feel incredibly calm and relaxed. Kind of like an "i dont give a shit" attitude.

Is it normal for meds to work that fast?

As I look back

on being 27, I realize that nothing has changed. I don't feel older! yay!

I turned 28 on Saturday.

I hope to make this year a great year... 5 changes I plan to make this year

1. Work out and lose weight (of course, that is always a change I plan)
2. Spend more time going out and being young while I can
3. Stop taking myself so seriously - spend that extra 50 bucks on that dress I want
4. Read more books
5. Start cooking again


AND.. I'm IN my new townhouse!!! It's definitely in the ghetto, but it is a beautiful ghetto. I love it and I love being home!

An Ongoing Issue of Mine

Can Married and Single People Be Friends?




The one thing I noticed about being single and over thirty is that not only has my love life reached a slump, my social life overall appears to be in need of an overhaul. It seems that as every week goes by I'm growing further apart from my friends. Is it because I've become completely socially incompetent? At times--I do wonder. However, lately I'm beginning to wonder more if it's just because every one I know is married.

No one ever wants to be the last single friend. By the time you're thirty it gives you nightmarish visions of being invited over to dinner parties to be fixed up with the "divorced guy from work." My friends' "married phase" began when I was in my late twenties. It recently concluded with an engagement just after Christmas. I never wanted to believe that this should change my friendship with anyone. I do have to admit that it was difficult to find myself heading down the cliché road of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."

When I started to complain about their changing lives I'll never forget what one person said to me as comfort.


"You think that's bad…wait until they get to the baby phase."


Well, several years later--the baby phase has arrived! It doesn't bother me that they can't go out anymore. Frankly, what would we do anyway? I'm really tired of the bar scene and I get to see enough movies when I go on dates. I'm actually pretty content going over to their homes and playing with their children. I only have one niece in my family and the opportunity to be "Auntie Barbara" to my friend's children is somewhat thrilling. For the last few years like a trooper I've heard about mucus plugs, breast feeding and developmental disorders. These are all subjects that I can't identify with --AT ALL--but I immerse myself with tremendous interest in all these conversations.

It all seemed nice in theory. Even though our lives were different, our friendship didn't have to change. However, as more and more time went by I realized that something was missing with all the "married people" in my life. Sure, I could live in their world and talk about things that were now of interest to them. Yet, somehow they couldn't identify with my world anymore. You would think in theory that someone happily married would want their single friend to find true love too. Do they even ask? If it isn't something that would appear in a current issue of "Today's Baby" or merit a trip to Home Depot, they apparently weren't interested at all.

Now does this make any sense? I've never been married…never had children…yet I find a way to take an interest and mix in their world. They on the other hand used to be single. You would think it would be easier for them to keep up with me! I'm beginning to believe that once you find your perfect mate, you refuse to remember the single part of your life.

To make matters worse, all of my married friends seem to predetermine that I can't be happy spending time with them. Even the ones who don't have children like to apologize for "being too boring." I don't really understand what they think I'm looking for at this point in my life. Somehow, watching a DVD in their living room isn't good enough for me! Don't they understand that I'm just happy being with my friends? At the same time it makes me feel as though they aren't happy spending time with me.

When you're single and the weekend arrives, your natural inclination is to want to spend time with your friends. However, if all your friends are married it seems that you're always going to be the one doing the inviting. I guess I can't blame my married friends for being this way. When your home comes with a built-in companion you don't exactly sit around on a Saturday night saying, "Hey honey, why don't we invite Barbara over."

This is why I've been forced into the position of inviting myself over. When it looks like a solid weekend of sitting home alone, I spin the married friend wheel and decide who I'm going to go visit. This can turn into a really interesting adventure since many of my friends live out of state.

I truly do want to see my friends. They've always been a priority in my life. I'd much rather spend time with them then even go on dates. However dating lately has become a necessary substitute for a lack of friend time.

It's difficult inviting yourself over to someone's house. They all say, "You know you have an open invitation to come over" but it would still be nicer to be asked. Especially when nine out of the ten times that I do ask they say, "well we're not doing much--if that's ok with you." Gee, could the invitation be any warmer or fuzzier?

There's no grand conclusion to the problem of having too many married friends. On the upside it has forced me to be more comfortable spending time alone. I've also gained the confidence to do more things on my own like going to a movie (matinées only!) or sitting at a bar to have a drink. If there was a match.com site for making single friends I would most certainly join in a heartbeat! However, the older you get--the harder it is to find single friends. I make friends easily but all my new ones are also married!

Maternity dress for a non-preggo?

http://www.motherhood.com/maternity/dresses.asp


check out that website and you'll see why i'm asking this question.


Is it completely wrong to wear a maternity dress if you aren't pregnant?

There is a girl at my work who is about 5 months pregnant. I absolutely love her dresses!

I mean, if I cut the tag out, who would know it's a maternity dress, right?

Is that wrong?

We are Moving!

This weekend. Short notice, definitely! We were offered the option of 2 townhouses - 1 is available immediately and another is not available until July.
We took the one that is available now.

2 full master bedrooms (so my sister can't bitch about her room, her closet OR her bathroom). A huge living room and a bigger kitchen than I have now. A great patio section for a grill (that I couldn't have at the apartment) and a nice community backyard for Charles walks! I'm so excited.

Now, to actually get moved. The moving situation isn't really going so well for me. I've already felt a little disappointed by the amount of help offered. Which hey, I guess I can't ask my friends to do something last minute.. but this is what I was offered and I have to play with what I was dealt.
I'm not moving next weekend because it is my birthday and I have my bff from WV coming to visit me. She is taking a plane (and yes, she is in WV).. the plane trip takes 4 hours and she will be coming in Thursday (14th) night. I am not spending that weekend moving, so I'm just going to do it myself. I'm renting a truck and saying "hasta la vista" to the old and in with the new.

I hate my apartment. It reminds me of every dark depressed moment I had. The past 2 years were probably the hardest years of my life. I can't wait to shake it loose and move on.

I can't help to say though, I feel completely disappointed that I'll be doing it alone.

Creepy Cat

Last night I took Charlie out for his walk to poo.

Upon us walks a cute little cat. Charlie gets hyper, cat gets closer. Charlie and I start to casually walk away. Cat comes at us even faster. Charlie and I start to jog.. as I'm shewing the cat away with the end of Charlie's leash. Cat starts jogging as well (at us). Charlie and I start running and cat starts running.

I finally picked up Charlie and got the hell out of dodge.

Why would a cute cat do that? I think he was out for Charlie's blood!

It's so hilarious though.. I wish I could have seen us. Charlie was really scared!

Microwave Oven

Last night my sister decided to cook. We had one of those "express" meals that cook in 16 minutes.

I got home and my sister said, "this damn thing takes 65 minutes, not 16"

I took the box, read the directions and said, "no, it says here if you put it in the microwave oven, it cooks in 16 minutes"

My sister said, "but we don't have one of those"

She will soon be graduating from Mary Washington! I guess they don't teach common sense.

I'm so frustrated

Seriously, I'm so frustrated. Due to procrastination (and my sister not getting her fucking shit together) "excuse my language".. I'm left to find a place to live last minute.

My sister is driving me fucking nuts! She thinks she has to live in some sort of pent house.. or some GIGANTIC house downtown, not understanding the price of dollar bills these days.

I make good money and I'm willing to spend more, but not a lot more on the cost of living. Right now, our apartment is 1050 dollars a month. It is small and cramped and has the shittiest carpet in the world.

Originally, I was going to buy a house. Well, that wild hair has been plucked because all of the houses are shitty. I don't mean a little shitty, I mean the house will have to be gutted and redone shitty. The 1 townhouse I found in average condition already had an offer that had been accepted.

So, I told my sister.. time to look around and find a place to rent. Well, she thinks she doesn't have time (although, she has class and works 2 nights a week). I work in DC and I'm gone all day long. I'm gone the entire time a normal office building is closed. She has no idea what NO time means.

You know what I'd like to do, I'd like to take the money I have to buy a house and go on a fucking cruise. I want to take an entire week and leave this hell hole.. just get me somewhere where it is warm and beachy. Please get me away from this smogged up city! Where no one smiles, everyones in a hurry and I have short legs. Please get me away from ringing telephones, constant emails from annoying mother fuckers who want me to do their work (which i do, because thats just how I am).

I figure if we stay in the apartment 1 more year (or possibly stay in the apartment complex and just move to a larger apartment), that we can take that money I have and spend it on a luxurious vacation... because you know what, soon I'll be married and having kids and I won't have this luxury anymore.. the ability to go on a week long cruise where i can just lay in the sun and soak up the peace and quiet.

So, right now.. I've given my sister an ultimatum. I told her she had a week 1/2 to find us a place to live or we're staying in the apartment. She hates the apartment (because she got a fucking queen sized bed with oversized furniture and she is 23 and doesnt realize she is only 23)..

so then, she decides she wants to live downtown. Doesn't she realize that the places downtown are EVEN SMALLER than the place we are in?

What do I do? I am about to give up and go drink and become homeless and live under a bridge with my dog.. and the worries of the day are actual worries.. where are you going to sleep and how are you going to eat!

I am dying to get out. What can I do?

Tid Bits

There is not going to be a baby. Dave and I talked.. he's scared of marriage and I'm scared of babies, so we are chillaxing on all that for a while.

But, I know what I do want to talk about. It's about 5:11 pm and I finally have some time to relax. I leave work at 6.

I've been working at the Pentagon for about 7 months. Just today, as I was walking the hallways, I realized that I am now "senior" in the building. I know the ins and outs and do's and DO NOT's of the building.

10 things I notice about the Pentagon...

1. Normally you base lunch on location, not on taste. Mcdonalds just happens to be the closests to my office. If I am in a hurry, that is the only place I can get to within 5 minutes.
2. Don't go to work with diarrhea. Luckily, I haven't learned this from experience. The bathrooms are just way too far away.
3. Also, every woman's bathroom has a nursing station. (it's an entire different room, located within the bathroom. I'm so tempted to go in there, but it would be the time someone has the pumps going.
4. I can look at the women in the Pentagon and tell who is new and who is seasoned, just based on their shoes. High heels for the newbies and flats for the seniors.
5. Being a woman in the Pentagon is like being back in the 50's. Every officer / military personnel that passes gives you the "ma'am" and a smile and hand gesture as you walk by.
6. Number 5 normally happens when your wearing a skirt. "shocker, right"
7. There is constantly a cock fight going on. By cock I mean, Military fight going on. The Navy is better than the Airforce because the Airforce just flies over and doesn't land. You know, those kind of things. Luckily, I was never in the military. I just fight to keep my civlianship (is that a word? if not, I made it up myself).
8. These people work from 7 in the morning to 11 at night, and yet somehow still have kids? I haven't figured that out yet!
9. Everyone runs everywhere. No matter what, there is a bus, metro, train, plane, escalator or something to catch. You see more running than you do walking. Myself included, I have ran to the metro several times. You know better than to miss that last train.
10. DC sucks

I am so confused

I really hope my boyfriend doesn't read my blog. If he does, I'm sorry.. but I just have to get this off my chest.

So, I confronted him today about the baby situation. How, even though I want a baby, I don't think it is a good idea. I would like to spend more time getting to know him. I mean, literally I didn't know he wanted a baby, which means i know nothing about him. He and I haven't spent more than 2 days at a time together. If we were "individually" thinking about this, sure a child would be cool. However, as a "couple", I don't think it is a great idea. He and I just don't know enough about each other, we've never lived together and technically haven't lived in the same city much. I told him how I wanted to get to know each other better and how I wanted to get engaged, get married and plan a family.

You know what he said to me, That love, engagement, marriage.. it's all fairytale.

Well, you know what.. Thats my fucking fairytale

Alright so..........

I still haven't decided what I want to do.. but I have to get my point in view.

Just because a man offers you a ring, doesn't mean he offers you his love and devotion. It doesn't mean that it is going to work out. I think telling someone you want to have children with them is a HUGE step. It's almost the same as saying, let's get married. In reality "most" people get married in order to start a family. Marriage is religious based and I'm not religious. I mean, really the only reason I'd want to get married is so that I could have a cool wedding and so the fucker couldn't walk away empty handed from his responsibility. BUT, having a child would be his responsibility too. It's not as if he could just decide he didn't want to be a dad anymore. I'd take his money!
I just know that I want to be a mom. I'll be 28 in less than 30 days and I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of time. And I'm sorry MOM's.. theres no commenting on that because you don't know how it feels.
Cindy.. you either. just because I said so. LOL

I just don't understand how a marriage can immediately make you ready for children? So, if Dave and I went to the JOP and signed a piece of paper.. I'd be parent ready?

Would you?

Your almost 28, you want a family and your boyfriend confesses he wants you to have his baby. Would you do it?
Even if you live in different cities?

Best Friends

I'm thankful I have all of you :) I just had a bad day yesterday.. a real bad day. I've had a ton on my mind, a new job position at work with A LOT of responsibilities and then I have moving and my boyfriend and just too many things running through my mind.

I relaxed last night and I thought about a lot of things. I've decided I'm going with the flow. I'm going to let life take me where it takes me. Again, sounds so weak.. but I'm tired of being responsibile. Of course, I'm going to pay my bills and I'm going to be an adult still.. but I'm not going to worry about all the small details of my life. I'm tired of worrying.

Also, I'm going to make an attempt to see a Dr. soon and try to get on some anxiety meds.

Lynchburg

What's the big deal if I did move? It would not change my relationship with any of my friends the slightest. I do not see any friend during the week anyhow. I see everyone I know every other weekend.
If I wanted to give it all up and go chase love.. (God that is gay) .. why should i not? Is it practical.. absolutely not.
BUT, what if this was my 1 shot at having a husband and a family? I want kids. sure, I play the role of the independent, working girl. I don't want that for the rest of my life. I want someone to share my life with.. a partner.

Im not moving to lynchburg next week. Dave and I haven't even truthfully talked about it.. but within the year.. this decision may come up and i just don't want to be stuck somewhere.

As for buying a house.. I am not ready to face it.. emotionally, financially or physically. I don't know if I want to be permanent somewhere.

I'm having a melt down because I'm a psychotic mess. I'm going to call a Dr. and tell him to prescribe me some pills to make me rational and unemotional.

I almost cried at work. I wanted to cry last night. I will probably cry tonight.

I almost feel dumb even talking about it