Tid Bits

There is not going to be a baby. Dave and I talked.. he's scared of marriage and I'm scared of babies, so we are chillaxing on all that for a while.

But, I know what I do want to talk about. It's about 5:11 pm and I finally have some time to relax. I leave work at 6.

I've been working at the Pentagon for about 7 months. Just today, as I was walking the hallways, I realized that I am now "senior" in the building. I know the ins and outs and do's and DO NOT's of the building.

10 things I notice about the Pentagon...

1. Normally you base lunch on location, not on taste. Mcdonalds just happens to be the closests to my office. If I am in a hurry, that is the only place I can get to within 5 minutes.
2. Don't go to work with diarrhea. Luckily, I haven't learned this from experience. The bathrooms are just way too far away.
3. Also, every woman's bathroom has a nursing station. (it's an entire different room, located within the bathroom. I'm so tempted to go in there, but it would be the time someone has the pumps going.
4. I can look at the women in the Pentagon and tell who is new and who is seasoned, just based on their shoes. High heels for the newbies and flats for the seniors.
5. Being a woman in the Pentagon is like being back in the 50's. Every officer / military personnel that passes gives you the "ma'am" and a smile and hand gesture as you walk by.
6. Number 5 normally happens when your wearing a skirt. "shocker, right"
7. There is constantly a cock fight going on. By cock I mean, Military fight going on. The Navy is better than the Airforce because the Airforce just flies over and doesn't land. You know, those kind of things. Luckily, I was never in the military. I just fight to keep my civlianship (is that a word? if not, I made it up myself).
8. These people work from 7 in the morning to 11 at night, and yet somehow still have kids? I haven't figured that out yet!
9. Everyone runs everywhere. No matter what, there is a bus, metro, train, plane, escalator or something to catch. You see more running than you do walking. Myself included, I have ran to the metro several times. You know better than to miss that last train.
10. DC sucks

I am so confused

I really hope my boyfriend doesn't read my blog. If he does, I'm sorry.. but I just have to get this off my chest.

So, I confronted him today about the baby situation. How, even though I want a baby, I don't think it is a good idea. I would like to spend more time getting to know him. I mean, literally I didn't know he wanted a baby, which means i know nothing about him. He and I haven't spent more than 2 days at a time together. If we were "individually" thinking about this, sure a child would be cool. However, as a "couple", I don't think it is a great idea. He and I just don't know enough about each other, we've never lived together and technically haven't lived in the same city much. I told him how I wanted to get to know each other better and how I wanted to get engaged, get married and plan a family.

You know what he said to me, That love, engagement, marriage.. it's all fairytale.

Well, you know what.. Thats my fucking fairytale

Alright so..........

I still haven't decided what I want to do.. but I have to get my point in view.

Just because a man offers you a ring, doesn't mean he offers you his love and devotion. It doesn't mean that it is going to work out. I think telling someone you want to have children with them is a HUGE step. It's almost the same as saying, let's get married. In reality "most" people get married in order to start a family. Marriage is religious based and I'm not religious. I mean, really the only reason I'd want to get married is so that I could have a cool wedding and so the fucker couldn't walk away empty handed from his responsibility. BUT, having a child would be his responsibility too. It's not as if he could just decide he didn't want to be a dad anymore. I'd take his money!
I just know that I want to be a mom. I'll be 28 in less than 30 days and I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of time. And I'm sorry MOM's.. theres no commenting on that because you don't know how it feels.
Cindy.. you either. just because I said so. LOL

I just don't understand how a marriage can immediately make you ready for children? So, if Dave and I went to the JOP and signed a piece of paper.. I'd be parent ready?

Would you?

Your almost 28, you want a family and your boyfriend confesses he wants you to have his baby. Would you do it?
Even if you live in different cities?

Best Friends

I'm thankful I have all of you :) I just had a bad day yesterday.. a real bad day. I've had a ton on my mind, a new job position at work with A LOT of responsibilities and then I have moving and my boyfriend and just too many things running through my mind.

I relaxed last night and I thought about a lot of things. I've decided I'm going with the flow. I'm going to let life take me where it takes me. Again, sounds so weak.. but I'm tired of being responsibile. Of course, I'm going to pay my bills and I'm going to be an adult still.. but I'm not going to worry about all the small details of my life. I'm tired of worrying.

Also, I'm going to make an attempt to see a Dr. soon and try to get on some anxiety meds.

Lynchburg

What's the big deal if I did move? It would not change my relationship with any of my friends the slightest. I do not see any friend during the week anyhow. I see everyone I know every other weekend.
If I wanted to give it all up and go chase love.. (God that is gay) .. why should i not? Is it practical.. absolutely not.
BUT, what if this was my 1 shot at having a husband and a family? I want kids. sure, I play the role of the independent, working girl. I don't want that for the rest of my life. I want someone to share my life with.. a partner.

Im not moving to lynchburg next week. Dave and I haven't even truthfully talked about it.. but within the year.. this decision may come up and i just don't want to be stuck somewhere.

As for buying a house.. I am not ready to face it.. emotionally, financially or physically. I don't know if I want to be permanent somewhere.

I'm having a melt down because I'm a psychotic mess. I'm going to call a Dr. and tell him to prescribe me some pills to make me rational and unemotional.

I almost cried at work. I wanted to cry last night. I will probably cry tonight.

I almost feel dumb even talking about it

I'm not, I'm just not

buying a house. I was fairytaling my way around. Is fairytaling a word and if it is, did I spell it right?
Anyhow, last night i went to put an offer on a townhouse. Come to find out, at 9:30 when I finally got home... that a previous offer had already been accepted. (no one could have told me that before I made the trip to Montclair AFTER a long ass day of work to go sign 10 pieces of paper, write a check and sit and gossip with an old man that never shuts up). Seriously, I'm not disappointed that the townhouse isn't available. I'm pissed I wasted my entire evening.
I took it as a sign. I've looked high and low and the only thing in my price range are foreclosures. They are all nasty, disgusting, filthy, feet prints on the wall, hanging off a cliff pieces of shit. Unless I have 5,000 dollars.. I'm going ot have to live in a shit hole. Dreams only are reality when the reality involves a husband and a wife, or a single person who is good with money or has filthy rich parents. I'm neither. I suck with money, I'm tired and i just want to go shopping and be immature.
I have no interest in new carpet, new paint, a beautiful yard for me to mow. I'm burnt out and I'm tired of sitting with a real estate agent, I'm tired of worrying about money. Shit, I'm tired of being an adult.
I've been more stressed the past 2 weeks than I think I've ever been in my life. I got a new position at my job, well.. more responsibilities without extra pay. WTF.

Also, here is my other area of concern. Should I be concerned, I don't know. Dave and I have been dating for almost a year 1/2. I love him.. I would marry him if he asked me today. We've been keeping up with our Long Distance relationship for 6 months. He refuses to move back to Fredericksburg. He loves his career and he is really starting to like Lynchburg. That area is a different pace. Slower, calmer and it is sure as hell not DC. He and I have been "sort of" discussing stuff. Like, what will happen to our relationship and what not. i told him if he got me a ring and wanted to seriously get married, I would move to Lynchburg. I'm not that desperately in love with my career. i'd give it up for love and a family at the drop of a dime. Granted, I feel as if I'm setting myself up for failure. Maybe opening up too much because I'm really worried about being dumped. (it happened once, it can happen again right).. but I have to be open to this. I don't know what he wants because he's not a man of words. He says.. "Lynchburg has houses for 100,000". He is secretly nudging me.

I'm so confused. For now.. I'm going to find a house to rent and go buy me some new clothes. That's what I'm going to do.